Wednesday, May 23, 2012

My Real-Estate Plan

      Neighborhoods across the country have tried to wrangle gay men into their midsts with the secret intent of using their good taste to increase their property values.  I haven't been paying much attention, but an episode of Will & Grace said that it worked, so it must be so.  We're all aware that the housing market still sucks, but I have a great idea.  Haunted Houses!  They are actually more popular and in-demand than you'd think.  People actually want to rent them for a night for a haunted party, live in them long-term, or flock to haunted hotels in the hopes of experiencing the fright of their lives. I see boundless capital and marketing potential.
    Here's how it works: Choose a cruddy-looking house in your neighborhood and make up some sort of unfortunate story about a family who was murdered there, you should probably use your artsy, creative neighbor for this one.  Next, you'll need someone to change and/or falsify some public records relating to the house and its previous owners; your politician or cop neighbor should be really good at this.  Now you'll need to split yourselves up into teams and decide who's going to screw with the lights, knock people down stairs, and hide in the shadowy places and make a lot of creepy noises.  It's best if the loudest, most hideous sounds are at night so the unsuspecting inhabitants can't sleep and eventually become paranoid and start to hallucinate all on their own.  Maybe send a concerned neighbor over with a casserole and a crucifix who will then whisper to said neighbors about the gory past of the house.  They might also mention something about an Indian burial ground for good measure.  The falsified records will really come in handy here and when the inevitable paranormal investigators arrive (if your science/special effects friends can't help you here, then you can always pay them off). 

      Now you just sit back and wait.  With any luck, the television crews and reporters will show up in droves.  There's talk about movie and book deals, businesses all across town start to pick up, and new construction begins because everyone loves a good scare.  In the meantime, you're also promoting unity and cooperation in your community.  Everyone wins!

:. Relocated Tombstones are also a nice touch!.:

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